Jack was a likable guy. He got along with almost everyone at work and was known to be easy going, always smiling and courteous. The women at the office adored him and were always making sure he had everything he needed (office supplies, lunch, a date). If Jack needed a favor, someone would almost always gladly oblige. Jack was the nice guy who worked downstairs. Jack was the model employee, getting praise from his superiors as well as the occasional pay raise. Jack had been working at his present job for nearly five years and just like most people had grown comfortable with his work. He knew what was expected of him and all the "in's and out's" of the typical project. Life was sweet.
This morning's drive to work was a bit more congested than usual but nothing to worry about. His boss was usually understanding about these things and that was just another benefit of where he worked. There weren't too many people at the office who got uptight about the little things. His boss, Mr. Cates, may have an inconvenient attention to detail at times, but overall it was a huge improvement compared to his last job. At his last job, Jack had to get up entirely too early and make a boring, long drive in the dark... and once he got there, he would have to sprint -- quite literally -- inside to clock in. The management there kept a close eye on things like that. Clock in, clock out, production sheets, project schedules, etc. This current job was great. He had his own office where he could come and go as he pleased. As long as he could provide Mr. Cates with several innovative robotics designs every so often, Jack had nothing to worry about.
Jack finally made his way up to the company's building. First up a steep incline, around a mild curve to the left, and back down again. The building itself was nestled down into the side of a hill and surrounded by a thick growth of trees. If you were to drive by on the main road, you might notice the building if you really looked. Most people didn't really notice... this was the kind of place that held more than a few valuable secrets; places like these did not need unnecessary attention. So there it sat... not completely out of view but not out in the open. There, but hardly noticeable. Jack slowed down as he approached the gate. After a quick scan, he pulled around and parked his car in the usual spot. After taking a moment to gather his things, he walked inside. He fiddled with his key chain a bit and then unlocked his office door. It was at this point where he usually just set his stuff down and made a quick trip to the coffee machine, but a hand-written letter laying in his chair caught his eye. Jack picked up the letter and recognized the large, messy style of his boss' handwriting.
In a panic, Jack sat down at his desk and typed his password into the prompt on the screen. Access Denied. He typed his password again, hoping he had misspelled it the previous time. Access Denied. Jack didn't notice the footsteps approaching his office until they were practically at his door. Nervous and red in the face, Jack looked up to see three people walk in. It was the entire chain of bosses going all the way up to the top. Mr. Cates walked in first followed by his boss, Mrs. Grimes. Behind Mrs. Grimes was her boss, Mrs. Cutler. Jack adjusted his chair and tried to appear calm.
"I assume you've read my letter," said Mr. Cates. "Surely you understand why you cannot be employed here any longer. I would have never thought that you would work on personal projects while on the clock."
Jack, feeling his face become red hot, cleared his throat and tried to remain composed. "I'm sorry, y-you must be mistaken. I been working on the Kinsler project nonstop for the past two months! I'd be happy to give you a progress report but I've been locked out of my workstation."
Mrs. Cutler shuffled to the front of the trio and sat down in the chair across from Jack's desk. "We cannot allow you to have access to our system any longer, Jack. We know what you've been doing and it ends here. By the way, please understand me when I say that anything done on company time does not belong to you... which is a shame because the designs you've been hiding from us are quite extraordinary. The company is going to make an obscene amount of money and you would have seen a handsome bonus... if you still worked here."
Jack knew exactly what they were talking about. Buried deep inside numerous, widely scattered directories were the contents of his pet project. Jack didn't think anyone would find his work, he had broken up the project in to so many little files that even if someone had found one or two they would mean nothing. How they found the files wasn't important, though. What was important was that they had found them, and were going to keep them for their own gain. Fully understanding now what had to be done, Jack spoke.
"Well, Mrs. Cutler, I suppose there's nothing for me to do but get my files back. Mr. Cates, you will kindly have a seat and log into my workstation." Mr. Cates almost laughed... almost. Before he could do anything at all, he was blinded with pain before falling to the floor with a sickening thump. Mrs. Grimes, content with the blow to the head she had just given Cates, quickly checked the hallway and then shut the office door.
Jack, grinning now and still looking Mrs. Cutler squarely in the eyes said, "Oh... you're right, Mrs. Grimes. How silly of me to think that Cates would have the clearance level to retrieve my project. Mrs. Cutler, would you please give me a hand with this before Mrs. Grimes decides she can find someone else more suitable?"
Mrs. Cutler sat heavily in her chair with her mouth gaping. Her face was white and her head was swaying a bit. Jack thought she was about to faint, but before Mrs. Grimes could take two steps in her direction, Cutler had nearly jumped to the other side of the desk. Jack stood up and motioned for Cutler to have a seat just as countless gentleman have done throughout time. Cutler stared at Jack only briefly as Grimes was making her way over across the room. Cutler initiated the login prompt, and signed in. Just as soon as she logged in, she found her head speeding towards the desk.
Grimes grabbed Cutler's limp arms and drug her over into the middle of the office where Cates lay. Jack sat down and began to scour the company's network looking for his files. Who knew how many they could have found. After nearly ten minutes of looking and a dozen impatient looks from Grimes, Jack gave up. The files must have been moved and deleted from the system. Jack was furious.
Jack stood up and motioned for Mrs. Grimes, "Come on... we'll be caught if we stay much longer." Then, as Jack made his way around his desk something caught his eye. It must have fallen from Cutler's coat pocket. It was glossy black and tipped with silver on both ends. Recognizing the the size and shape of it, Jack picked it up and spun back around to his workstation. Upon plugging it in, he saw that his hunch had paid off. There in front of him was all of his work. A design for the most sophisticated robot the world had ever known... a true brother to man-kind.
Jack looked up and smiled at Mrs. Grimes, who had never looked more attractive, and motioned for the door. The two of them walked to their cars, and drove up the small incline, around the soft curve to the right, and back down the hill.
© 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
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18 comments:
Hi Jared, good read. Is Mrs. Grimes a robot? I thought she was, but I get things wrong so often I thought I'd ask...
Cate :)
Interesting! There's all kinds of transformation here, from nice boy to genius - conniving enemy to ally. :)
This piece was GREAT! So much fun to read. I love the way Jack starts out as a staid and dependable guy. His transformation was unexpected. And his accomplice was a surprise as well. Great entry for the Carnival.
You know... I had never considered making Mrs. Grimes a robot (that could be interesting!). I had imagined her as someone Jack had won over with seduction. I think Jack probably thought that he needed some muscle higher up in the chain of command, and the fact that he found her attractive was a nice bonus.
This was an interesting piece but I'm not sure if it worked completely for me. I think the first two paragraphs was all set up and a bit too long. I think it could have been condensed down to 2 sentences at most and take us right into the heart of the problem. I really liked the set up and the premise of this computer genius who is getting his work hijacked by his bosses but I had some issues with why, if he was a computer genius, he wouldn't have multiple copies of his pet project on his home computer so that it didn't matter if he couldn't get a copy of what he did at work. And the whole concept of Mrs. Grimes attacking the others was just very odd for me because it had no explanation for it. Why is she attacking all these people for him? I too thought she must be a robot, but then it was very clear that it was just ideas so he couldn't have actually built a robot yet. I think. Anyway, I liked it conceptually but was a bit confused with how it flowed.
Thanks for the constructive criticism, Ello. I'm new to writing and I definitely need the advice.
After reading your comment, I considered trying to explain my story... but then realized that's what the story should do for me in the first place. I'll keep this in mind in my future work!
Ello has some good points. The first two paragraphs went on a little long for flash fiction. I also would've preferred to see them sparked up with details. Instead of "making sure he had everything he needed," something like, "brought him roast beef sandwiches from the deli and kept his post-it note dispenser filled." Instead of "Jack was the model employee," perhaps, "he had been nominated for Employee of the Year three times and last year's Christmas bonus had made his season bright."
As an IT HR manager, I'm afraid I must quibble with a point of action. The termination letter wouldn't have been handwritten or left in his office. More likely, he would've been called into the boss's office and a formal letter given to him there in the presence of witnesses, with perhaps a mention of the grievance process if he wants to contest the matter.
All this aside, as pure story, this works great. You have a nice way with words and some clever ideas. I could see a tighter version of this getting accepted to one of the little zines, like Flashes of Speculation.
Good job, and I hope to see more of your writing! :-)
Interesting piece. I agree there was a lot of setup that could have been condensed, but it did make the transformation of the character more unexpected. (My main complaint is a technical one about your blog: that white on black is a little hard on the eyes. But then, my eyes are getting old.)
Good job - I'm glad you participated!
I liked what Bunnygirl said. As a story, this worked great. But there were a couple of details that pulled me out of the story a bit (like Ello saying-not having a backup, and also about the letter on the chair).
However, the transformation was fantastic! It reminded me that movie with Michael Douglas where the disgruntled employee sortof loses it.
The characterization was nicely done!
From the get-go I knew something was going to turn in the story so I was anticipating something, I just didn't know what. Even though I saw something coming (either I'm perceptive or a cynic because nothing can be that good), I liked what happened at the end. I do agree with the rest that the set-up could have been whittled down a little bit and the emphasis put on the action at the end of the story instead of the bulk being the lead-up to it. Definitely a good piece.
This was a very interesting read! I too thought Mrs. Grimes was the robot. The first paragraphs lulled me into thinking this story was going in a certain direction, but the ending gave it a nice sci-fi twist.
I thought this started off a little slow, too; a lot of setup that can be condensed into a few sentences. You can pack a lot of punch in just a few words, with the right words and phrasing, and that will start your story off stronger--especially since it takes a while to know that something is different about "today".
The termination letter is a weird point--even Really Important Folk at companies don't get hand-written letters. The only reason I could think of for the hand-written letter and confrontation (which also doesn't happen, at least not this way) is that they just wanted to psych him out and thought he was clueless about that sort of thing...
I liked the ending, it was quite unexpected and a nice clincher.
This was fun. I love sci fi but can never, ever write it myself. Good piece!
I like the idea of Mrs. Grimes being a robot. That could be cool!
This was a fun story. I liked the transformation of Jack. I think I would have wanted more of a set up in the beginning - I agree the 1st two paragraphs were a bit long and made it hard to believe that he is doing something on the side. I think maybe alluding to your description that other people thought of him as so perfect, etc. rather than it being the truth. It would then give way to open up to his other characteristics.
But that being said, the drama held my attention & I liked the conclusion. Nice work!
A very nice piece overall. I really associated with the MC throughout most of it. Like some other readers, I assumed Grimes was a robot. It was also unclear what really happened with the voilence - was Grimes just beating up the other employees or was she killing them with a weapon? In either event, it was more reason for me to think she was a robot rather than a regular human executive. But I really like the premise and most of the execution of the story. Very nice effort.
This was a really interesting story - neat turn of events at the end. Overall very well done. I see others have commented on the length, especially at the beginning - and I would agree with those comments. It's heavy and repetitive in places - take the following for example:
"The building itself was nestled down into the side of a hill and surrounded by a thick growth of trees. If you were to drive by on the main road, you might notice the building if you really looked. Most people didn't really notice... this was the kind of place that held more than a few valuable secrets; places like these did not need unnecessary attention. So there it sat... not completely out of view but not out in the open. There, but hardly noticeable."
The same message is conveyed at least 5 times in this passage. Why? The challenge of flash fiction is to learn to recognize the words that advance the story and shave away the rest.
You have a great flair for words that would really shine if you let your strongest sentences stand on their own - not burdened by unecessary repetition.
Tons of potential there though - excellent job!
Very nice! I also liked the way he transformed from bland nice guy to conniving genius to overthrower. His accomplice was a surprise to me as well - I thought he was hooped for sure! But then when his accomplice shows up, my first thought was also "Is she a robot? Did he create her?"
Like the others have said, there were some details that jarred a bit. One not yet mentioned was that he thought he misspelled his password. If he was a genius, he wouldn't use any word found in a dictionary, so a better way to say this would be that he miskeyed his password. But I'm an anal retentive geek... :) Those nitpicky things can easily be fixed with another round of editing.
Still, the story works and it was fun to read. I can also see this expanded into a much longer piece and would love to read it if you ever do. :)
I like the way you utilized the theme in this piece, Jared. I do agree about the repeated bits and what Bailey/Crystal said about eliminating that sort of writing in a flash was spot on.
Sorry it took me so long to get here. Thanks for helping to make December's FFC a success!
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